This may seem to be an odd post as I am currently experiencing an overwhelming amount of joy, peace, and anticipation as we look forward to meeting Emma so soon in the future.
I read this post on Heart, Mind and Seoul today. The author is a Korean adoptee who has an adopted son from Korea. It resonates with me as it probably will with many of my friends and family members who have experienced a loss in their lives of someone dear to them. It really makes sense the way she explains it and I don't know why I ever thought that Emma would just "grieve" for awhile and be done with it. I still feel the loss of Sunshine, and at times the grief is raw and fresh. Most of our lives we are going about as usual, but we do make allowances for ourselves when we are grieving for a time. Katelyn will have times when she is sad as well. This knowledge doesn't scare me, but rather makes me feel connected to Emma in that, although I may not know what it is to lose a mother and father, I have experienced grief. Anyways, I don't want to ruin her article with my ramblings. I just truly appreciated this post and Paula has given me the permission to post it here.
Accepting That Grief Can Last A Lifetime
Often
I fear that too many of us - both in the adoption community and in
society at large - see grieving as it relates to an adoptee's loss as a
one-time occurrence. In fact I know some who view their children's
grieving as an isolated incident that begins upon their child's arrival
into their families and whose pattern of grief is somehow expected to
adhere to time-inflicted parameters. So many times I read and hear
about grieving portrayed as an "event" or prolonged series of episodes
that is thought to have an end date, as if there is a finite conclusion
that caps off the compulsory nights of crying, or days of our children
refusing to establish solid eye contact or weeks where our child may
seem reserved, upset or unusually withdrawn.And when the crying ceases in the midnight hours, when our once
reticent children become deliriously engaged in endless games of
peek-a-boo and when they start to go running into the arms of mommy and
daddy with reckless abandon, the said grieving is believed to have run
it's course. And we breathe a sigh of relief that our sons and
daughters have successfully overcome the transition, regardless of how
traumatic, and that the grieving component of our children's history
has thereby officially concluded. Forever.I know for some, just seeing the combination of words "grieving and
adoption" conjures up an image that is just too distressing and too
daunting to acknowledge or accept as anything beyond a one time event.
Grieving as it relates to adoption is viewed by many in society as some
sort of malady, and one that some parents feel ill-equipped to handle
as an ongoing affair, versus what I believe to be a highly natural,
perfectly normal, most healthy and sometimes necessary emotion that
could very well possibly weave itself throughout their child's life,
potentially sparked by random and unexpected triggers.When I was a child, I don't know how much information my parents had
about identifying, accepting and even encouraging the grieving process
in me, their daughter who was adopted. I feel they were light years
ahead on so many issues pertaining to adoption, especially transracial
adoption, but I don't remember having any candid conversations about
grieving. Perhaps they didn't have the knowledge or the words about
what it meant for an adoptee to mourn and grieve at various points of
her life, for her entire life, and as a result, the knowledge and the
words eluded me as well.I absolutely do not see grieving as a one shot deal that
miraculously ends once a child has, by all outward appearances,
"adjusted" into his or her own new surroundings. I believe in the
science and the research that asserts that as infants, any traumatic
experience becomes stored into our bodies, and that our body's ability
to remember, feel and grieve that trauma spans an entire lifetime.
And please tell me, what is possibly more traumatizing to a baby than
being separated from his or her mother? Why are adoptees not given the
space, the permission, the compassion and the opportunity to process
this grief as it emerges in different points throughout our life?How is it that society can honestly believe that a child wouldn't
grieve and mourn the loss of his or her mother and father for any less
than what constitutes a lifetime? Tell an everyday Joe that your
child, adopted at 6 months old, grieved for a few weeks or even a few
months after they came home and Joe will understand. Tell him that
your child has been grieving at different points of his or her life for
several years across a broad spectrum of intensities, and Joe will
undoubtedly question or even categorize your child as being an
aberration ala "What? You mean to tell me that your child hasn't
gotten over it YET?!"Adoption trauma and loss as a result from being separated from our
parents is not something I believe that we as adoptees ever forget.
Even if our minds do not remember, scientific evidence repeatedly
supports and affirms that our bodies indeed do.As an adoptive parent, I want our son to feel safe in expressing any
and all feelings he may have, including grief. I don't want him to
fear feeling ungrateful for grieving the loss of his parents, his
ancestry, his language or his country. More importantly, I want to be
able to recognize, validate and be able to provide him with the words
to help him process his grief, even if it comes at the most unexpected
of times. Especially when it comes at the most unexpected of times.There are so many messages sent by society that get internalized by
us adoptees. One is the notion that if we're happy, lively, and
attached little kids that we've successfully overcome the loss of our
parents. And if there is no more loss, people are mistakenly led to
believe that there isn't any need or reason for us to ever grieve our
first parent's absence. This unknowingly suppresses, discourages and
even shames an adoptee for experiencing feelings and emotions that at
times can be sad, painful, and full of sorrow.If we as parents were to lose a child today, no one would ever
expect us to wholly recover from such a traumatic event. No reasonable
or rational person would deny us the chance to fully grieve and
properly mourn such a tremendous loss and they would allow us to do so
for an indefinite amount of time. And they would most assuredly be
able to understand how specific dates, holidays, family occasions or
other celebratory or even random events could certainly trigger more
pronounced grieving and elicit a heightened sense of loss and mourning
for our beloved child. And even if we had other children, most people
would not judge us, call us ungrateful, angry or bitter simply because
we rightfully mourn and grieve the loss of the child who is no longer
with us.If we can openly embrace a parent's natural reaction to grieve and
mourn the loss of his or her child for weeks, months and even years to
come, perhaps we could and should extend the same
compassion, the same allowances and the same respect for the children
who have lost not only their mother and father, but their entire world
as they knew it, felt it, breathed it and lived it.
