I will try to explain what I have learned the best I can. If any of it doesn't make sense or anyone has questions about what I have posted, feel free to comment and ask! I like hearing what others think about these things.
From what I understand, most of the experts say that when you get your child, she will go back to an emotional age of 0. You treat them similar to the way you would treat a newborn regardless of their physical age by meeting all of their needs as soon as possible, holding them close, not letting them cry it out, etc. The first 72 hours after adoption day, or "Emma Mei Day" as I plan to call it, are extremely hard on them. Usually you will not see any of their true personality come out until after the first 3 days. Our girl will probably be grieving heavily from the immense loss of everything she has known her whole life. It has been proven that the loss of their first mom affects a baby, much less the second loss of their caregivers and friends at the orphanage. All children react differently to their grief. Some just shut down for a few days or they cry a lot for example. Some may not show signs of their grief for a few months after joining their forever family.
Because Emma will be regressing emotionally, we will not follow the standard traditions that we would follow with a child that has not experienced any loss in their life. Thus we will bottle feed her and try to achieve good eye contact while feeding. We will try to hold her as much as possible, thus the need for a hip hammock carrier--I may need to start pumping some iron! We will try to have a lot of skin-on-skin contact by wearing short sleeves or taking baths with her and giving her massages with lotion. There are lots of other little games and activities that we will try with her as well. Some of these methods may seem like we are spoiling her (such as bottle feeding and not letting her cry), but she will need all of these special things to help her feel secure and know that we will always be there for her to meet her needs. It will also help her learn to trust us as her parents. It will be hard at first but we will not be able to let others hold her for a few months, and we won't be able to put her in the nursery for a while either. When our family comes to visit, Josh and I will have to be the ones to always meet all of her needs such as changing diapers and feeding. There will be plenty of other ways that we will need help such as meals and housework as I am sure we will be very, very tired from jet lag! A helpful thing when others are able to hold her, is to always direct Emma back to her Mommy & Daddy by saying things like "There's your good mommy/daddy!".
The time-frame that it will take her to attach, will depend greatly on her own adjustment, but they usually say it takes about 1 month for every year that they have been in the orphanage. We will probably continue to bottle feed her as long as we can to keep that bond that comes with that special time.
We hope that this will help you to better understand some of the issues we may face with Emma, and that it will help you help us to do everything we can to help her attach well to her Mama & Baba (how they say Mommy & Daddy in Mandarin). I want to also note that we can learn/do as much as we can, but if we feel like our efforts are not working, we will definitely be looking to have outside help with an attachment therapist. Next week we will be attending a Waiting Families Meeting at our agency with a husband/wife team of attachment therapist who have also adopted children with attachment issues and learning disabilities. They not only have the professional experience, but the personal experience to share with us as well! I will be sure to share any tidbits that we learn from that here!
Part 3 to come later. Any questions or comments welcomed!
Comment posted by
at 4/13/2007 11:07:00 PM
I think it's great that you have that meeting. I'm sure the personal experience will be more valuable than the professional. I'm so happy that all this info is available for you all to make the best transition possible. I just can't wait to see her, I'm anxious for that, as you are I know! We are praying constantly for that.
Love,
Mom
Comment posted by
at 4/16/2007 4:09:00 AM
I am so impressed with all of the info. you have gathered. Emma Mei is such a lucky little girl! The 2 sections you had on attachment were so interesting. I think talking with the husband/wife team you spoke about would be great. I'm sure they have great information and countless ideas since they have actually dealt with it first hand. You and Josh are going to be great at comforting her and meeting all of her needs. I also think it will bring Emma Mei a lot of comfort and happiness having Katelyn around. It is always so sweet seeing little ones interact with each other. Love ya!
Comment posted by
at 4/29/2007 7:11:00 AM
Wow, Amy, this info is so helpful to me in understanding how I can best support you in your parenting as nursery director at church, and as an "older mom" and friend. I am praying for you, as always, and this helps me have more insight about what to pray about. Take your time as far as putting her in the nursery, and know that when you choose to, I will also be aware of her emotional age and help her learn to interact with other loving adults and kids when she's ready. I'm thankful for the experience I've had with Liberty Atkins, and the joy it is to watch her jump up and down with the Cubbies! She refused to go to anyone at church when Darcey first started putting her in 2s. When we started having Building U, Liberty had been here about 6 months. The first Sunday Darcey brought her to the nursery and warned me that she would probably cry. Well, I picked her up (at this point she was 2 and a half, but I knew somehow that emotionally she was much younger) and held her in my lap for all of Building U and second service. She clung to me the whole time, but did not cry. Within about a month, she would get down and play for just a minute or two toward the end of the time. I was always there when she came, and always offered her my lap. Slowly, she started sitting in other workers' laps occasionally, and interacting with the other kids. When she was about 4 chronologically (but just over 2 years since she first came), she was potty trained and very ready to go downstairs. This year she bowled with our homeschool bowlers and is so outgoing and happy and loving. I cry tears of joy whenever I see her. She does come and give me a hug once in awhile, and what an amazing blessing and privilege it was to be a part of helping her feel safe and loved at church! All that to say that I am so looking forward to meeting Emma Mei and doing whatever I can to help you all introduce her to the love of her church family, when she's ready. So even though she will be 2 this October, I would like to recommend that when you are ready to introduce her to children's ministry at KCBC, that you start her in the nursery, regardless of her chronological age. Our caregiver to child ratio is always between 1 and 2 children per worker, and I am there nearly every week. I will be gone mid June through July 6 at Lake Ann, but I'm sure you won't be ready to put her in the nursery by then anyway. It would be great if you brought her in to visit (with you, in your arms) even just as far as the counter fairly soon after you start bringing her to church. Then she will get to know the nursery as a safe place and the kids and workers will become familiar to her. I am just so excited! I feel your agony as you wait for her and pray for God's perfect timing for your trip and all the details. I didn't mean to write so much...I had more to say than I thought! Let me know if there's anything else I can do to help.
I love you guys,
Tracie
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